Ever set out to do something, start walking down the road with every single landmark you’ll pass by in mind, and as you walk you find your own feet turning down paths you can’t see, finding unexpected new sights, and leading you on a merry tour of a world you didn’t know could exist, then at last reaching the exact same destination you had in mind in the first place? Only this way, it feels even better.
That’s what I have been experiencing a lot since the end of May.
I started on a pet project that I didn’t know would become a pet project at the time I started it. Then it evolved into something wholly different than what I thought it would be. Because of it I’ve gone and done things I didn’t know I would or even could, I accomplished things I used to only day-dream about, and I feel that I’m walking down the path where I should be.
For once – I’m not so lost and wandering, but striving forwards to an unknown that I anticipate.
This is what people feel when they have a goal in mind, I tell myself. When you have a goal you think is truly, absolutely worthy of being achieved, and that you must; you’d be surprised by yourself time and again. You’d find out things about yourself that you simply weren’t aware of before.
(…I know that could be taken in as a negative statement, in a ‘I-did-not-know-I-could-stoop-so-low’ way, but please, I’m talking about the kind of self-discovery in a ‘I-did-not-know-I-could-be-so-productive’ way.)
I did research, I put a hold on some of my more time-consuming hobbies, I cheered myself on, I fought to overcome obstacles, I searched out so many people for advice, I try to never stop this building momentum, I keep finding new ways to inspire and motivate myself…the list goes on.
It’s like I’m sixteen again and rediscovering that hey, I can actually lead and talk to strangers and make new friends!
(I was a ghost-like existence before that, but as a child I know I was bossy as hell. The changes we go through, huh? …You know what, I’m going to write down those changes, some other day. I’d like to remember them.)
My life is undergoing so many changes, but now I’ve learned something new too –
Everything can change, everything but you yourself; or everything can stay the same, everything but you yourself. The best thing? That choice is entirely yours to make.
The past month has been a transitioning period of sorts, but since I’ve started this pet-project, since I’ve set this goal in my sights, I feel like I have a constant to always turn to when new changes become a little too much. This is something I love, and I will not let anything stop me from doing this. That’s what I thought before, and what I still stick to weeks later. I want to stick to this mantra – I need to grab hold of it, and hold it tight.
Because I’ve found pieces of myself in what I’m doing. I’ve put in pieces of myself, too. And no matter what happens, I know who I am. Even if I learn new things, take unexpected turns, jump down unknown cliffs – I am still me, and I am still going where I want to – where I can be myself.
It’s a destination I’ve always wanted to reach – I hate being not-myself. It started when being myself is too-much-not-enough, when not being myself is no-it’s-all-wrong. I wanted to find middle-ground, and eventually, I did. Or I hope I did. What is right and what is wrong, who defines them, and where do you want to stand? There is no real way to tell, but you can definitely try.
Test the waters, and dip in a finger or toe if you’re not too keen. Or if it be to your liking, canon-ball away. Just accept one universal truth: You will change. You will change a lot. But don’t worry, very few people change that much – something will stay. The most important part.
A seed may grow into a tree, may flower and bloom, may wilt and die; but in the end, it was still a seed. It evolved and grew, changed so much, but it was still a seed. It cannot become a rock – a rock cannot bloom. It cannot be bone – bones do not flower. What you are now, what you will be, is just going to be evolved from what you were before.
(Makes me think – turning over a new leaf. Why not turning into paper? Or fertilizer? Well now because you’ll still be a leaf. Oh gosh what am I writing??)
Well, this had gone on waaaay longer than I wanted it to, but here’s a conclusion: Find a piece of what you are, what you love best, and stick to it. Everything can change, your thoughts can change, your personality, your perception of things, even your principals can change. But the heart – well, it always knows who you are, in the end.
“You’re always you, and that don’t change, and you’re always changing, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”