The Mash That Is Me – and maybe that amorphous blob too

There is an aim. Yes there is, I remember. There is a goal. There is something important, something I shouldn’t have lost sight of. But I have, and now I don’t know what I am doing to get it back.

I believe that people need motivation to move ahead, to take one step after another. I also believe that when there is no motivation, work done will become minimal or even nil. So why have I lost mine? Or did I? What is the feeling of losing motivation?

There is a feeling of slowly slipping through the cracks in the floorboard, into the warm earth, like gooey glue, or something slippery and slimy. You can’t get hold of it,  you can’t stop it. People are dancing, there are faded colours, maybe, and a buzzing noise in the background that could be anything from laughter to music to something sad. For me? Maybe it’s me.

I made a list of what I should do. I didn’t finish it, but perhaps I will later. Unlikely though. There is something weird going on, and I feel kind of stuck, both feet sunken deep in mud or wet cement. I think it’ll go away sooner or later, because there’s always going to be an end for everything, but then it’ll probably be too late.

Finding motivation is hard, especially for something you don’t want to do. But hey, I guess that’s normal, because a lot of things we do everyday are things we don’t want to do.

I don’t want to crawl out of bed.

I don’t want to do work.

I don’t want to go outside.

I don’t want to feel tired.

I don’t want to feel busy.

I don’t want to feel mashed up or like an amorphous blob.

…but I still do.

I think, I am going to make a list of things that I don’t want to do today. Then cross them off one by one as I do them. No one said motivation can’t be created by oneself.

I’ll start the list with: I don’t want to make a list of things I don’t want to do.




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