The somewhat between apathetic-and-surprised-but-not-really feeling you get when something bad pops out without warning, and you feel that it has been long coming, sometimes people, even yourself believe is heartless, but is it really?
When you walked into the room and something awful (or downright unpleasant) has happened, somehow, if you’re close enough (or involved in) it, you just knew that something wasn’t right. Then when your feet lead you directly towards that bad thing that has happened without you telling it to; and despite appearances you just know that you had hit the nail right on the head and your instincts are screaming at you – do people panic, I wonder?
I didn’t. I knew it was real the moment I saw it, and without a need for confirmation, too. It seemed redundant then, when everything tells you that it’s true, when your mind, your heart just says so, you know it is. It must be.
And then I’ll be there, but somehow not really. I looked up, uttered those condemning words no one wanted to tell me, wanted to hear, and observed their shifting expressions.
Surprised, shocked, horrified, disbelieve – and me. The one who should be the most affected, but was curiously not. Don’t look at me like that, I’m trying to feel sad too, you know, but I just can’t, alright? I’m supposed to, I know that, but I’m not going to bother to pretend. I respect the situation that much, at least.
Am I so heartless, truly without any compassion? I think I smiled. Maybe, but I don’t want to think on it, and please, don’t throw that uncomfortable how-could-you look at me. I just did, so there.
(and just for clarification purposes, my dear, dear Lya (she’s a Syrian hamster) just died)
(and sorry for the over-dramatic way of presenting it. Er… nope, not really sorry)